When you have been together 18 years you’re bound to have an issue or two. What you do about it is what will make or break being in the lifestyle, and your relationship.
A little back story on an issue we had about 10ish years ago, and how by not dealing with it then, made unnecessary issues later.
When we first started getting into the lifestyle it was not as easy as it is today to find other people in the lifestyle. We didn’t have Facebook Groups, Websites, and apps dedicated to connecting swingers with other swingers. So we had to kinda stalk people on MySpace and see if they put in their profile that they were bisexual or in the lifestyle. Better yet, how about good ole fashion talking to people and you put feelers out to see if they bite back?
Most of our experiences ended up being from girls I dated. Every girl Xander has been with has been after being with me. To this point, we had a few threesomes that went mediocre due to experience and the level of relationship we had at the time.
Her name was Vicki, she was my on-again, off-again girlfriend. Xander and I had a few threesomes with Vicki to this point. For whatever a stupid reason we had considered/thought about having a permanent live-in girlfriend. So this was the first time Xander had open communication with a female sexually, other than with me of course.
It went catastrophic and ended with us parting ways with her. It’s the closest we have ever been to splitting up. EVER! Why did it go bad might you ask? It was 200% my fault, I lied to myself and to Xander about how ok I was with everything and because of it I took and killed about the next decade worth of progress. Below I will list some of the issues/problems I remember us coming into.
- I was incredibly jealous and massively insecure with myself at this time. I used to talk to/cheat on Xander with other guys in spurts throughout our relationship. I almost always came out and told him the truth, but it was something I continued to do. (This will later be the basis as to why we thought swinging might help us.) However, I think because I was so unfaithful and went behind his back so often, I internally assumed that’s how it was for everyone. I didn’t want to see him interested and giving someone else his attention.
- I wanted a girlfriend and knew I could not have one without letting Xander be a part of it. ( I found out later it was because he had/has an everything should be an equal issue) So I said I was ok with it,
- He enjoyed the attention he was getting from her, so much so he spent legit all day, everyday texting her. From wake-up till she went to bed about 1030 every day. It was so bad it was disrupting our daily life. I had to make a no phone at dinner rule just to have some time where they didn’t text pretty much consecutively back and forth. I was not ok with him texting, let alone 10k+ text messages a month. However, I never told him about not liking the texts so that was my fault.
- He would receive and save some pictures she sent. I told him he was allowed. However, I do not think I was ever ok with this because I didn’t want him showing someone else interest. So I ended up making him feel bad and wrong about saving them. I was incredibly selfish and I know this, but I refused to admit the issue was me not him. I’d think things like “He should just tell from my body language that I’m not ok with this!” All because I was too afraid to tell him I was not ok with it.
- I woke up next to Xander sexting with Vicki and jacking off, and I remember turning bright green with jealousy. Being mad he was doing it with me sleeping right beside him, feeling like he was being done behind my back. I wondered/thought “Why is he jacking off with her? Am I not good enough?” Like I said I was not in any shape to be trying to engage in a relationship with someone else when I wasn’t secure in the one I was already in.
- There was a level of feelings/emotions between them that I was totally not ok with, but instead of saying something, I egged it on.
- Told him I was ok with him going to her house to have sex. I wasn’t, I never was. However, I didn’t say anything and let him go, the result I went into a full-blown anxiety attack and repeatedly cut myself. I didn’t like that I wasn’t there and he was ok with that.
Those were some of the major issues we had. Did I cause all of them? Yep, sure did! Back then I didn’t take responsibility for the things I did wrong. Instead, I would look for ways to blame Xander. This, in turn, made him stop talking to girls not work-related, stopped taking photos of self, stopped saving any photos that were not PG13, even if it was of me. Felt that all of the above listed were bad and not to be done ever or bad things would follow.
We tried to “talk” about it, but I did not admit being wrong, and nothing made sense to Xander because I contradicted everything I told him. We couldn’t come to an understanding obviously, so we buried it and tried to move on.
So let’s move forward to this time around being in the lifestyle. Here we are more mature and more confident in our relationship. So when communication came up this time, I was hit in the face with the fact all of that stuff that bothered me was still there. It got to the point he again was afraid of what he could and couldn’t do via chat, and was removing his interest/enjoyment in talking to me at the same time.
Was this at all fair to Xander? Fuck no! I basically was to blame for halting all progress of his social abilities moving forward. So what did I do to try and fix the issue once I had a breakthrough and took responsibility for my actions?
I started by taking a good look at why I was the way I was. I started asking questions like “Why don’t I like him talking with females?” Then I would answer the question, and keep breaking it down till I could find a core reason why I was like that. Then I would ask myself “Is this a rational thought or just insecurity within yourself?”
I started finding out it was almost always just my insecurities and anxiety, and not the issues themselves at all. Once I was able to change the way I viewed it, and accept responsibility for my actions, we were able to actually talk and resolve the things that bothered us all those years ago. It wasn’t easy it took us weeks and a lot of stress, but we came out the other side stronger and with a different outlook moving forward.
Xander is still hesitant to take me at my word about what level I’m ok with him and communications/media. Who can blame him? In his eyes every time he thinks he understands, I tell him he is wrong. I have recently made big strides in being ok with him being able to do it though, without me wrecking it. It is something I will have to continue to work on, as it is the biggest hiccup I have in the lifestyle to work on.
One of the biggest things to remember is never to move faster than the slowest person in your relationship. Otherwise, you push them to be ok with things they may not be ok with yet.
Conclusion? We were not emotionally and physically ready in our relationship back then, we were not communicating, and without that, the lifestyle won’t work. Communication is key to making the lifestyle work, and how you view the acts themselves is crucial to making it work without jealousy.
